Broken Paper Wings

random burst of happiness

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:34:27 GMT

I love my pandora radio!

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:33:52 GMT

Windy suggested a blog instead of my journal to get my thoughts out. I want the comments and the feedback. Past experience has taught me this is sketchy but I'm telling whoever reads this to feel free to comment. I'm without my usual emotional support right now and I need something. So I guess here goes:

I've been really stressed out lately. More than I really should be taking on. The person it was over is important to me, or has been. I've been going back and forth doubting myself, doubting him, doubting life. If not for my friends, my true friends, I would have given up. I've tried and they keep pulling me out. I'm starting to come out of it but still way confused. I still feel lost, foundationless. I want to gout and photograph but no camera anymore. I want to do something with my life, change something. I keep failing though and its frustrating me. I'm fighting myself and others to just keep my feet under me. I'm more depressed than I've let on but its eating away at me a lot. It just seems like I keep trying and getting nowhere. And when I stop trying to fight the tide, I start to drown. I want to be who I am, how I am, and be ok. But I'm learning that no matter how much I try to do just that, there are people who will beat me down, hate me for the things in my life I can't control, the things that are as much a part of me as breathing. I want so bad to cut that part of me out, to be just like everyone else. I don't think its possible. I know I can't destroy it; I've tried. I know its not always possible to work around it; tried that too. I've tried every possible way to live with myself and what's wrong with me, what I still find a defect in myself. I know its an illness but it doesn't matter. Its still a good reason why I have such damn trouble finding someone to suit me. I've been told to find someone more like Robbie. Someone with a stronger will, more responsible. Selfless and courageous. And I need that kind of person. Someone that will put up with my shitty oddities and still be there for me. I told him I don't think such a person exists and I got a good dose of anger for that one. Still, I'm tired of trying and looking for someone that could be anywhere and meanwhile end up more and more hurt by people who abandon me when I need them instead of staying because they know I'd do the same for them. Life is not so easy though. Life is painful. Love is painful. Its been a long time since I had a guy in my life that stuck, that didn't write me off as drama. I hurt so damn bad and I don't know how to be ok anymore. I've been told I need to figure it out on my own but honestly, I don't know how and I don't have the will or strength to do it anymore. What's the point? Its a cycle I can't stop. And I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of life and fighting for my life and for my place in it. Maybe its selfish but for once, I wish I wasn't alone doing this. I know I have friends but they can only do so much. It'd be nice to have a little damn help right now.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:38:55 GMT

I hate my life currently.

The End.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 17:38:08 GMT

It's back to the pysch today and to say I'm dreading it at this point would be an understatement. However, in the last two weeks, my life has gone from an amazing high to rock bottom so I really don't have much else to lose. I understand why I'm in the situation I'm in but hate it with a burning passion. I really would much rather go back to being happy. I know I made a lot of mistakes but this almost affirmation of what I've been stressing about for weeks is a little too much to handle. I've made promises and guarantees I can't break but there are more times than not anymore that I want to figure out how to stop this cycle in my life and start over. Even if normal is boring, I want to be that. I want to experience that. I want to know what its like to be happy and not have this constant stress I do. I want things I can't have and I'm not supposed to worry that I've lost them. Its just completely against my nature and because its something I'm not supposed to be worrying about, it's on my mind constantly. I want things to be ok, to go back to being happy, but the longer this drags on, the less I think that desirable state of mind will ever be mine.

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:42:59 GMT

I hate fights. I just want to be happy again. Instead I'm on edge and stressing because of something that should never have made the relationship get to this point. It makes me wonder if its worth the effort and the stress. I love him but I don't know if this won't keep happening again. This time, I didn't pick the fight. Maybe this is what he feels when I do? Somehow I doubt it. And he doubts this three day trial will turn out favorably. I'm unhappy, but not for the ways things have to change. I'm unhappy we're at this point entirely. He'll wake up later and I'll poke him about it. I promised I'd say something. I just wish relationships weren't so difficult for me.

long overdue update

Sat, 09 May 2009 02:32:43 GMT

So everything is coming to a close at school and still in my relationship. It's going well but finally off the medication and somewhat settling as long as I get enough sleep (ha!) and not too many curve balls. Still really frustrated with a lot of things in my life but holding off on making too many major changes until I've got everything else nailed down. This summer will be quite interesting. I know Haley's worried a bit, or was, cuz James is leaving in August, but Greg and I compared notes today and possibly the only times I will be able to see him is weekends, or if I sneak something in somewhere.

Greg's got me hooked on netflix. I've started to broaden my range of movies but so far, it still takes me a little while to get it all finished. I enjoy having the variety to watch at night before I go to bed or when bored, but now gotta catch up on my ghost hunters since I haven't seen an episode in months.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 19:34:36 GMT

What good is a livejournal if you can't rant? So I'm gonna rant. I'm gonna rant on how incredibly stupid I find certain people in this world and how incredibly angry it makes me when they have to stop on someone else to make themselves happy and feel secure. Now I'm on the brink of losing a friendship I really value just so someone else can have a boyfriend they feel is "theirs" without the fear of competition. Any of you know me, I'm not exactly competition for anyone. True, I was around first and had my shot and no, it didn't work. And when I found out he had found someone else to make him happy, I was all set on supporting him. Until I found out who it was and realized that the person I knew and the person that she was in my mind were a terrible match. He'll bend over backwards though to make her happy, including cutting me out of his life, so she can feel secure in this new relationship. I've never had someone cater to my insecurities that much and I wouldn't want them to. It's not my fault and that's been acknowledged but I'm being basically punished for the drama she created. She won't be punished because she's the girlfriend and I'm the one who supposedly doesn't stick around long term anyway.

Which brings me to rant number two: How I'm not long term material. This one was a new one on me and I've gotten several opinions from different people. I'm apparently not long term material because I'm not active, quite emotionally stable, and I have parental issues. Granted, I haven't had problems with my dad in a couple months now but it's been known to crop up and that's partly because he suffers from mental problems as well as I do. They just occasionally clash and he's got less of a hold on his temper. I'm not emotionally stable because I'm bipolar and its not completely under control. I'm pretty good, I think, at keeping it even but I have my moments. As far as being active, I've never been a fan of the gym and I'm not in terrible shape, though I could be in better. Yeah, I could lose a bit of weight but then again, so could most people. I'm not a couch potato in the slightest but most of my activities I enjoy involve being either solitary or semi-sedentary.

The mood seems to be a big one and the idea that now because I'm dating around, I'm not capable of sticking to one guy. That's a load of bull for anyone who knows me but that's what was said. But who knows? Then again, this is a person who is determined to basically fix me and my moods and has no problem telling me what's wrong with me so his opinion is not valued too much.

I just want to be happy. I've been happy the last few months off and on on my own but it's nice to have someone to lean on, as someone told me. I don't think it makes me weak or any less capable of something long term. I just think it makes me human. But maybe I'm wrong. You tell me.

update

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:24:47 GMT

It's been a month since I updated. A lot has happened. I cut my hair shorter than I ever have before and its actually grown on me quite nice, figuratively speaking. I've been dating but not found many bites really. Found some awesome new friends but while everyone could use new friends, still looking for that connection on both sides. I thought I found it a couple days ago. Guess not. Such is life.

Finals are this week and I'm actually really looking forward to them, though not to the papers I still have to write. Shouldn't be terrible since I have until Thursday. If I get it done by today, I should be able to get some of them back by Thursday but that's not an issue for me.

I'm really grateful for my friends the last month, especially Helen who has been freakin' amazing at putting up with my weirdness. I'd love to see more of my friends but all you crazy people are always busy when I'm not and vice versa. It makes it hard but can't be helped too much. Hopefully after this week it should be a whole lot easier since no school.

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays and I may post before then. Who knows? But text or call me sometime! That's the easiest and quickest way to reach me.

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 21:00:03 GMT

Got the whole Home Depot thing straightened out this morning. That's a definite relief and one of the few remaining issues I had with the breakup with Vinnie. Turns out, someone was supposed to call me and explain to me that there wasn't a ban and I've been invited to talk to the manager at Home Depot if I have further issues. I'm definitely feeling better about this, though I won't go to that Home Depot definitely for a while.

Happy Day!

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 02:55:36 GMT

My psychiatrist decided it was better to take me off the medication I've been taking the last two months. I can't say I'm going to complain about being off meds when anyone that knows me knows I hate how they mess with my head. He's worried I'm bipolar, not depressed, and that the anti-depressants are just going to make it worse. If it helps me sleep better, I'm all for it. So far today, no side effects but I'm dealing with a bad sore throat and the night is young. I've started seeing a therapist, though the jury is still out on how that will go. My psychiatrist and therapist are in the same building so hopefully someone will pin this all down so I can stop the roller coaster.

I thought about the Home Depot thing again today and to be honest, it's been on my mind a lot the last couple of weeks. I sent off another email today asking for a follow-up since when I had called before and requested one from the store directly, I didn't get one. I mentioned my worries that I had been ignored due to Vinnie's word at the store and I wasn't sure what the reasons for everything were other than I'm the ex of an employee. That's one ghost I want to banish as soon as possible so I can go back to enjoying my life. I don't want to keep going into a state of panic at the thought of going that direction or going into a Home Depot store, which I haven't frequented since that day. It'll be easier once I can go that direction without being on edge about having trouble made where it doesn't belong.

Maybe something's wrong with me but for the most part, I've kinda forgiven the boy for what happened. I'd been with him long enough and talked to his mom enough to have some idea of what's going on in his head. I don't think he's having an easy time of things right now and I wish his life was better. From the random myspace comments I've found from him and the fact that he's not submitted any photographs online in a month, I kinda worry he's not doing well. I know he doesn't care about me and I know that we'll most likely never get back to a state of good relations, kinda like the whole Michael thing, but I don't really wish him ill. I loved the guy for so long and maybe I still do in some ways, but I know we couldn't make each other happy and I'm resolved in that. I've had a lot of time to think back on how things were and realized that I was ignored a lot when I should've just put my foot down or questioned it. It really was long in coming, just not as violently as it ended up. Who knows? Maybe another time, we can be friendly but while I'm resolving my life, I think he still has more to go.

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 05:25:17 GMT

I hate my days off.

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 18:46:33 GMT

Life seems better today. I finally feel caught up at work, even though I have a bit more to go. The rest doesn't require a certain timeline. My assistant manager is still really frustrated with having to remind people to do what they're supposed to but that's not my problem and I've started focusing more on just my work and getting management to catch up on the rest. I don't get paid enough to do everything so I'm not gonna worry about it.

But overall, today seems good. I have a quiz later that I need to study more on but hopefully I'll get it down ok.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 01:16:52 GMT

Today has been utter shit. It's not going to get better. I give up.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 06:53:44 GMT

Hoppa, one of our rabbits, died tonight.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:49:09 GMT

Life really isn't going that great right now but then again, it hasn't for a while. I'm not really expecting it to change. I really wish I had the power to make everything OK. To make myself happy again for longer than these brief spurts. I'm really sick of being depressed all the time and not being able to shake it. To have it affect everything I do and the people I'm with or around. Most people would say at least I have my health but realistically, I don't even have that at the moment. I see my doctor today for it. I'm tired of doctor visits but maybe she'll have an answer I don't.

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 04:21:00 GMT

My doctor has put me on the south beach diet since my other doctors are so insistent I lose weight, even though I am not overweight. I made my first meal off it tonight and now I'm cheating with a taco because I'm still hungry. I probably should've started with less of an empty stomach and eaten more regularly today.

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 04:51:30 GMT

So far things are meh. We're friends but that's about as far as it's going. I'm just trying to establish at the moment a better rapport than I've had the last couple months and I enjoy the easygoing friendship that had in the beginning been the basis for it all. Maybe he's not so crazy after all but I wish it didn't take a week and a half to get to this point.

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:15:18 GMT

His head won. There's no chance for my heart.

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 18:03:16 GMT

I'm really not sure where things are going as far as being happy right now. Last night was a bit of a welcome shock but also a hard hit to the gut no how much I love the guy, even if he's been a complete asshole at times. It's hard for me to stay mad when he whips out his katana and proceeds to knock the fan with its sheath. Or that I get multiple hugs that he offers when it was supposed to be an easy in and out trip.

My heart doesn't listen to me. And my head doesn't know what to do.

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:16:35 GMT

Anyone has any good leads on job opportunities in my area, let me know, please?

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:52:42 GMT

I hate coming back home. I hate the crap I get from Heather and the attitude by a simple question of asking what the bags in her hands are. I know I can't stay at Vinnie's forever because he needs his space but I just hate coming home.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 02:49:15 GMT

Six month anniversary on Tuesday. Kinda scary since I've only hit that milestone once before and look how that one turned out. I still shudder. Anyway, I hope this one goes better but I hope he doesn't empty his piggy bank buying me something or else I'm gonna have to shoot him with his shotgun. Other than that, lots of doctor visits coming up. School in two weeks. And I hate my job. All in a week's work.

update of the month

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 03:45:34 GMT

So random post to update. In the last four or five months, I seem to have lost a couple of friends that I had cherished. Those friends haven't been replaced but while I do miss the girl time and the time to just let my mind out into the open to someone else other than Vinnie, I'm finding that I'm doing OK. A lot has happened and a lot of it I never meant to happen but life goes on. If nothing else, Vinnie has taught me finally to cherish what I've got and to adapt like I never had before. I still have friends but currently none that I keep as close. This fits more in my nature anyway so not too much of a setback. I wish I could change things. I wish I could go back and heal the hurt I've caused people but I'm starting to think its for the better. I need to find my own way past what high school gave me years ago in friends. My boyfriend has quickly become my confidante on a lot of things and I like having someone only a short drive away. The closest person after that I'd trust is at least a 20 minute drive on the freeway.

Other than that, tomorrow marks the five month mark and I'm still as much in love as I was five months ago, maybe more. We've been through hell and back and been through a lot of things that should have broken us completely but haven't. I'm grateful every day for a guy that is willing to stick around and tell me he loves me and shows it, even when he doesn't have to. I love the thoughtfulness he showed today, his day off, on coming to get me for starbucks, even if it was across town. It's nice to have someone there that cares enough to give up something to make you happy, even if it's only for 15 minutes.

I'm not online as much as I used to be but again, I don't miss much it seems. I find that even if I'm on AIM, I don't talk much past talking to Nathan. That's cool too. Life seems to be working out somewhat but it's a struggle. I think it'll be worth it in the end. I just hope things even out pretty soon but the night is always darkest before the dawn, and so I'm waiting for that dawn.

Tue, 20 May 2008 20:20:23 GMT

Today hopefully will be a good day. Yesterday was interesting but Vinnie and I finally got a lot out into the open, even if it required a huge fight that lasted pretty much all morning. I went over there at 1 this morning. He really surprised me when he came out because the first thing I got was one of those really good kisses. The kind that curls your toes. That led to other things but it was just a different feeling overall throughout the night. There was playfulness again. There was cuddling and holding and a general feeling of being wanted and appreciated. And for once in weeks we both slept really well. I know I did and he was in a good mood this morning when I left to go to school. Hopefully this will be a new chapter in things.

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:11:22 GMT

I need volunteers to fill out a survey for me for one of my classes for an essay. It's five questions and it's about online school classes. You don't have to have taken any to count towards it. Please let me know if you're interested so I can send you the document.

Thanks.